Waking up and slowing down

A few weeks ago I had my first medical procedure in hospital (I’ll spare you the details!). It was a moment I have been dreading for years, probably since seeing my mother go through surgery and radiotherapy and chemo and palliative care and realising that one day we all generally get to a point of needing medical care which can be painful and frightening in its unknown.

Since the procedure was not urgent, I postponed it by 6 weeks, just to schedule it for a time when I thought I’d have the capacity to go through with it. So, just as the school year started, while I had a week off, I went through with it. Although there was a general nausea and nervousness from the start of my preparation, it wasn’t until leaving the house to go to hospital that the emotion hit me. It was Anabelle’s second day of school for the year, and my Mum had passed away on her second day of Kindergarten, 2 years ago. I was quite ready for heaven, but not ready for my family to have to face any more grief. Having gone through it, I dread grief for others, especially my husband and children and father. With my loving husband by my side for as long as was allowed and the comfort of the Lord for the lengthy stretch after this while I waited to be taken to the operating room, I stayed brave. Teary, but brave. Brave enough to trust God with my life, trust the doctors he had provided, and trust that his ways are always best.

When I woke up I felt elated! I had gone to sleep (under sedation rather than a general anaesthetic), felt like I’d been dreaming and woke up! Part of me wanted to jump out of that bed and get out of there right away, but even a toilet trip wasn’t allowed, so I was forced to slow down. Slow down and listen to my breaths. Slow down and look around the room. Slow down and feel my legs stretching and my hands forming a fist. Slow down, look and listen in that moment. Being someone who wants to deliberately slow down life, it was somewhat revealing that my thoughts automatically turn to doing things. But I could do nothing. I didn’t have my phone with me, there was no pen and notepad to make notes or task lists, I simply had to follow the process to its conclusion. And that was wonderful. I got my results back after a couple of weeks and they were all clear. That was wonderful too.